Thursday, May 09, 2013

I'm a cat

In 1935, Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger described a hypothetical experiment to disprove a theory in quantum physics which said that a particle may exist in two states at the same time.
It kinda goes like this. 
If you put a cat in a box along with a certain amount of poison, at any given point of time, the cat has a 50% chance of being alive and a 50% chance of being dead. Since the cat is inside the box and we can't know for sure whether the poison has leaked or not until we open the box, it must mean that the cat must be alive AND dead at the same time. Which is obviously not possible; hence allowing the man to prove his point.

It took me a while to really understand what he was trying to say. Now that I'm starting to get a hang of it, I feel like I'm stuck in a Schrodinger's-cat-like situation myself.

In the past few weeks, I wrote at least 35923502398985290345 (you know what I mean) engineering entrances. Most of the results have been announced and I can't help feeling that there's been a mistake. All the midnight studying, the avoiding going out or watching movies/hanging out, staying away from Facebook(okay, not so much) and Blogger hasn't amounted to anything. I failed miserably in those exams which I thought went really well. Serious lapse in judgement. I try hard not to mull over the past, but when I think of what I've given up hoping to do well in said exams, it just breaks my heart. It just doesn't seem worth it. At all.
I still have two more exams to go. And I'm clinging all my hopes onto the second one. 

Until then, I'm stuck in the box with a bottle of poison, a lot like Schrodinger's cat. I don't know if I'll make it or break it. Until someone opens my box and tells me whether I'm dead or alive.

Dead. Or. Alive.

Monday, April 15, 2013

i may have sinned

so here goes im the most insecure jealous sadistic person ive ever met and i wont be surprised if karma came and bit me right in the arse but i am surprised that i do not give a flying fuck about it because it feels like i did the right thing for the first time in my life i had absolutely no regard for anyones feelings but mine and it feels good and its not like they didnt deserve it the way i look at it they came running to me and asked for it and now are acting like im the one whos crazy
i can safely say that today i have evolved as a human being and can fight my own battles from now on as long as they dont get physical
my ego can now get a good nights sleep while i try to do more productive things with my time

Thursday, April 11, 2013

soon enough

i will stop bothering about this shit and maybe focus on the more important things soon enough i might come to my senses and understand that its completely okay to screw up and to change your opinions on the way maybe ill realize that its okay to have opinions in the first place soon enough i hope to stop caring about that person who said something about me being incapable of fighting my own battles i will stop listening to what irrelevant people have to say about the way i want to live my life and how id like to make a difference in the lives of others around me soon enough ill stop worrying about that pimple on my forehead the hair on my legs and the scars on my thighs and maybe give in to your advances soon enough ill be tired of being the calm and mature one and lose control instead that would really be something soon enough ill stop being scared of using words like love and belief and faith soon enough ill have the courage to own up to my goof ups

and soon enough the world wont have trouble believing that this is me after all

Sunday, April 07, 2013

in my head

now i dont know what to write words fail me when i need them the most when i really have something to say they run away and i'm left stuttering and making myself look like an idiot so ive decided to write just whatever comes to my mind and i have deliberately avoided using punctuation of any sort cause thats how it is in my head a perpetual perennial chatter that keeps me awake most nights which i spend staring at the ceiling and other things hoping to fall asleep any moment which doesnt happen of course ive also decided not to use the back space key as i believe it will prevent the bullshit in my head from coming out which of course defeats the entire purpose of writing a blog i must mention that i do not hope to initiate a trend of any sort the only reason im doing this and today that too is probably because im sad and a tad disappointed in myself for not having written a particular exam bettert than i did today i will go into the details of it but lets just say that im not expecting a miracle of any sort because those things almost never happen to me for some godforsaken reason this laptop that im using generates too much heat i feel like my skin would peel off any moment im listening to this song called pretty face by soley shes an icelandic singer and a very cool one at that i like her abstract lyrics and album art which is also abstract by the was also im excited about meeting someone tomorrow someone that i really like i wouldnt be afraid to use the word love in this context because well i do love the said person i guess i havent slept in a week and i thought that i could doze off for a bit now that the exam is done but it seems to haunt in all possible forms namely preparation exam and contemplation of what i couldve done better to improve my score this is slowly turning in to a piece of crap and i really need to sleep
i really dont know whats gonna happen